(via writeaboutlove-)

(via gifspixar)

People who commit suicide end up as civil servants in the after life. 

kickingyourcrossesd0wn:

um…YES?!

Adolf Kitler

Hahahaha. How adorably morbid. 

fentonworks:

A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

There’s an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because its a duck.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. They are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.

A man walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole. So he got hurt.

Chuck Norris walked into a bar. He was greeted with much respect considering he was a talented actor.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

fenchurch:

By Eric K. Auld

1. A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves. 

2. A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.

3. A question mark walks into a bar?

4. Two quotation marks “walk into” a bar.

5. A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.

6. The bar was walked into by the passive voice.

7. Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.

barbieteacatch:

What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Nothing.

What’s red and smells like blue paint?

 Red paint.

Why did Suzie fall off the swing?

 She had no arms.

What did the boy with no arms and legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

What did one doctor say to the other?

Hey we’re both…